Monday, January 4, 2016

Dancing with squirrels (Part 2)

     You may remember that I recently single-handedly saved a squirrel that had fallen down my unused chimney due to his own reckless frivolity and abject clumsiness.  (See last week’s post.)

     Today I got a call from a lawyer with the ASLU (American Squirrel Liberties Union), who threatened to sue me over possessing an unsafe chimney upon my premises.  She claimed her client is suffering from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Squirrel Disorder) after being trapped within the confines of my chimney void space for "the better part of a week," and will require lengthy treatment from either a squirrel whisperer or a Democrat.  (This is a gross exaggeration; the squirrel was actually confined for less than three days, and I gave him half of a peanut butter sandwich absolutely FREE.  Also, there's no telling how many of my valuable pecans the little thief and his cohorts have stolen this fall.  What about that?)

     And when I left my home to go get coffee this morning, 14 squirrels and two chipmunks, all naked as the day they were born, were staging a protest in my driveway, chattering loudly enough to wake the neighbors and carrying small signs that said, "Justice for ALL Rodents!" and "Nuts to Bowie!" and "Squirrels Matter!"

     Of course, Channel 12 reported that "dozens of cuddly little woodland creatures gathered at the shadowed and forbidding riverside abode of a reclusive man rumored to be related to Shrek the Ogre in order to seek justice for what the authorities are alleging may have been felony squirrel abuse going back years."  So much for their slogan, "Getting the Facts Rite."

     Anyway, if I fail to have my chimney bulldozed within ten days, and do not fertilize my pecan trees, and do not sign a full confession, and refuse to pay for relocating "at least 1,700 squirrel refugees" from Central Park to the Croatan National Forest, I will be faced with legal action that could carry penalties "up to the fullest extent of the law."

     All for merely trying to be a Good Squirrel-maritan.

Okay, I made this post up.  Hey, I’m a storyteller.  It’s what I do.  The part about saving the squirrel is true, though.

Happy New Year.

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